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Christians dating non-Christians: bringing a pillow to a knife fight

Nathan May 12, 2010 57

Hello, I thought I would talk about something new today!

After speaking with a lot of Christians who entered into their early adult years without having dated much during high school, I noticed a funny pattern

And not to be someone who just says “You can’t have a cookie. Why? Because I said so!”, as I believe we should be able to explain why the Bible tells us something is bad, or good, especially when it involves something that is appealing to us, but the Bible says is bad

Anyway, the pattern I noticed is that a lot of young Christians go out into the world and start dating non-Christians, and I started to ask myself why this was

One thing I noticed is that Christians are often raised thinking the best of people, and depending on their churches and home environment, they are used to being around people who are striving to be righteous and improve themselves

But, when they are wading into the deep end of the non-Christian dating pool without water wings, this makes them bad at selecting partners!

I don’t just mean bad, I mean terribad!

I can’t even begin to count how many relationships I have witnessed, or been in, that involved a Christian getting tossed around like a rag doll on the emotional high-seas of tempestuous relationships

This is especially true once a relationship becomes physical, as for the most part, Christians are generally more prudent before entering into the realm of physical intimacy, mostly

Generally speaking, mainstream culture encourages people to experiment, to “have fun”, to enjoy their youth and beauty by sharing it with others, to show off what they have, etc…

Unfortunately, if a Christian is raised in a home where this type of behavior was never discussed openly other than it being labeled as “bad”, it will sucker punch a young Christian who is used to relationships being centered on loyalty, intimacy, trust, and all the other relationship traits that only seem to exist in fairy tales for most couples

An example of this is that a Christian will usually be very loyal to someone if they have sex

Not to say they should be doing this without a ring on their finger, but if it does happen, the emotional and intellectual attachment is often very intense. But, depending on the person they are involved with, it may mean the same thing to their partner, or it may not

This is especially true when people are between the ages of 16 – 21 (or so) as these are the ages people are typically out to have “fun”, experiment, and “discover” who they are

A lot of times people stay in bad relationships because they feel validated, cared for or have some other wound in their hearts remain hidden rather than be healed by Jesus–turning to another human being only deals with our symptoms, not our core issues like the fear of rejection, loneliness, insecurity, etc…

Another good, but sometimes ill applied, characteristic of Christians, is that since they want to think positively of people, they often find themselves in situations where they are holding out hope for a relationship that should have been let go of a long time ago

Depending on the partner, sometimes this well intended devotion can result in a lot of emotional damage and lowered self-esteem

One thing that I realized, after burning a decade of my life that I will never get back, is that despite my hopes for others and myself, some people just don’t want to get better, improve themselves, or be in an emotionally intimate relationship

In summary, when entering into a relationship with someone, it is important to know the rules of the game or you may be crying foul to a referee that doesn’t exist

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POSTED IN » Weird Human Behavior
  • http://www.kryinginthewilderness.blogspot.com K. Jackson

    Christians that date non-christians are looking for turmoil and major issues. I am not sure why someone following Jesus Christ would place themselves in a position to be at odds with someone who totally believes differently. Christians must always use discernment when determining to date even another Christian.

  • http://www.solicm.org SOLICM

    Hi,
    This can be a tough road to follow but the bible reads- “be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers.” In this day and age of heavy metal and hip hop church music and sermons that scripture is considered old school. We have three children ages 31 years old, 22 and 18 and no matter how much we preach this scripture – they always go the opposite direction. I know that young people must grow and face life’s challenges on their own-but if they remember to keep God before them he will help them to face those challenges in victory and not defeat.

  • Erasmus

    The important thing is that both people take responsibility for themselves and communicate openly about what the nature of the relationship is. Are they just having fun? Is it intended to be a lifelong pair-bond? Is it an episode of “This Old Soul” with Reverend Villa and a Christian who know “this one” will be perfect as soon as we fix that “not saved” problem.

    Honesty, understanding, intimacy, fidelity and good humor are essential if the relationship is to last. Opinions on the origin or nature of the Universe are laigniappe. I married my wife because I love her and she is a wonderful person (despite or because of her Christianity makes no difference to me). She married me thinking I was having a crisis of faith. When the dust settled, I renounced theism. But, I didn’t renounce my wife. In a time when half of marriages fail, and more christian marriages fail than those between atheists, we are still together and happy after eight years.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hello,

      It is interesting to note that, in your case Erasmus, this scenario is very scriptural.

      1 Corinthians 7:12-16
      If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

      But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

      I am glad that you and your wife are able to live together in peace!

  • http://Godandstuff Confused

    How do I even start? I have been a Christian most of my adult life, I was taught to respect others feelings at all times, to make others feel happy and to make sure others are at peace. I was married at the young age of 17 being in church, “it was better to marry than to burn.” Well after close to 30 years of being married it ended and now that I’m dating others, the rules just don’t play fare anymore. I am not happy nor do I feel good about myself, I truly just don’t like my self any more at all. I have been dating more non christian men and maybe it has taken the sunshine out of my life. I have been acting like I am part of this world, just to fit in. WHY???? All sides of my world is braking down and I do know why, it’s because I have left God, although I know He has never left me, I left Him and now I am being punished for it. My mind, body and soul hurts to be back within the safety wings of the Lord, but I feel I’m too far gone. HELP

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hello.

      Do not be too down on yourself, and remember that each choice we make, no matter how big or small, determines the course of our lives. Until we are dead, there is always an opportunity to create change–so don’t give up. It sounds like you can articulate your issue, do you know what is the cause?

  • http://Godandstuff Confused

    Yes Nathan, I do know what is the cause of my feeling the way I do,”SIN” Dating has put me in the sin mood, because I have done some things through dating that I know is wrong but out of feeling alone, I allowed things to happen knowing it was wrong to do. I am a good person and it seems like the more I try to do good for others, the more bad things happen to me. I do know I need to line myself up to the will of God word and put on my full armor so that I will beable to stand, but it seems like I just don’t have the focus that I use to have. I just don’t know why!

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      One thing that sin seems to almost always offer, is short-term happiness. I have to be honest with myself about this, and admit that sin is inviting sometimes, but I know that the long-term results of sin always out-weigh any short-term benefit.

      James 1:13-15
      When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

  • CHIChi

    In my church we dont date period that is whats taught a majority of the members in our congregation our college students and many of us have gotten to that stage of “Im getting old,I want to get married..” but one thing our pastor reassures us with is that God knows the desires of our hearts, but seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things shall be added unto you..and everything you give up for God you will recieve again a 100 fold…! So when you begin to focus on God he will bless you with the one you are meant to be with, dont go into the world in bless yourself with someone that will lead you into sin..or break your spirit and take away your peace.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hello. I am very much in agreement that God will put the right people in our lives when the timing is right; that is what He does with every other aspect of our lives. And one important thing that is consistent in our interactions with God, is that His timing and ours are often not aligned. We tend to expect, anticipate, demand, etc… things that we want, but that does not mean we are ready for them or that we are asking for the right reasons. It is noble and good to want to be married, but there are a lot of potentially negative reasons why someone would want this, and they may choose to get closer to a person rather than God. My advice is to keep focused on God, and to keep an open mind but not get caught up in “the search.”

  • http://Godandstuff Confused

    THanks so much Nathan and Chichi, both of you have opened my eyes to a different direction or path that was not opened before and I thank God for that. It seems like the little things that we should know are the most difficult to get an understanding of. May God Bless both you and yours for the words of wisdom. I will get closer with God and let everything else fall into play when God has His time set for it.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hello. That is great, God will reward your trust in ways you won’t expect!

      Psalm 4:5
      Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD.

      Ecclesiastes 11:10
      So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless.

      1 Peter 5:7
      Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

  • http://Godandstuff Confused

    I’m not Confused anymore!!!!!!!!!!

  • Glenda Butler

    The question posed was “Why do Christians date non-Christians?” I was never raised in a christian home, so therefore I sought the comfort of a christian who was respectful and caring. Raising my children in a christian home I have found that my daughter as a christian has grown up in a family seeing christian values in our marriage so she tends to believe that everyone out there is going to be on the same level and treat her in the manner that she learned at home. Okay I admit I did make a mistake in sheltering my children to the point of believing the world out there was good, kind, and generous. She has dated several young men (all nonchristians), expecting them to embrace her values once they were together. After several broken hearts and ended relationships she has finally admitted that her way of thinking was wrong. I have two younger daughters that I have made certain to let them know our world is different from the world outside our door. I hope and pray daily that all 3 of my girls have learned that they need christian relationships to have healthy relationships. Growing up seeing the way of life I did, I was trying to shelter my children from the things I saw. I have learned from them rather then them learning from me. I believe that was God’s intention all along.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hello. That is a great story, thank you for sharing. Jesus was very specific in talking about how awful the world was, and I think that is a very important lesson to pass on to children. My mom was raised in a very sheltered life, and I think it handicapped her in a lot of ways. I on the other hand, was raised in a world of contrast, which handicapped me in a different way.

      Matthew 18:7
      “Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come!

      One question though, did you become a Christian during the course of your relationship?

  • Lia

    I am seventeen, and just came out of a relationship with a boy who could care less about God or Heaven . . . it was so tough trying to make him view life as i do. he thinks so differently, adn you can’t just force someone to accept christ. He wanted things that ididn’t and i just couldn’t be everything he wanted, and now i’m hoping to find a good christian guy that can share my love for our awesome Savior!

    • Nathan

      Hi Lia!
       
      The reality of dating, is that it isn’t easy to find people that we like, and it is even harder to find good, Christian people
       
      However, one thing I have seen time and time again, is that it is much worse to date someone that is unhealthy or a non-Christian, mainly because these experiences can damage us, while being alone, even if it is painful, cannot
       
      Also, it is important to remember that as Christians, we might be the answer to another Christian’s prayer for an amazing partner!
       
      Just say no to bad dating experiences, the time that can be wasted is tremendous and there is no guarantee of anything other than unhappiness

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1464013647 Sarah Elizabeth Darlington

    In 1 Cor. 7:13-15 Paul Says if a believer marries a non-believer and
    they are willing to live with the believer then they should stay married
    unless the non-believer leaves.  What would you say to a 17 yr old Christian teen who is having trouble bonding with her Atheist father in a positive way, it is effected by it emotionally and wished she had a father figure to look up to?  

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Sarah,

      It is nice to hear from you, thank you for writing

      I am sorry to know that your father’s atheism is having a negative impact on you, can you be specific about the ways, ie: does he antagonize you about your relationship with God, how long has the rift existed, what type of emotional effects is it having on, etc…

      Also, I am curious to known how your mother and father came together, and whether or not they always had different beliefs

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1464013647 Sarah Elizabeth Darlington

        The only real way he is effecting me is he does not know the difference between loving someone for who they are and loving their actions. I also just wish I had a Christian father figure to look up to and worry how this will affect me later in my married life. I think my dad grew up in a Christian home, but I’m not sure.  His relationship with his mother and younger brother was not that great until his adult life and his father died of a hart attack when he was 15.  One time when my Grandparents came to visit, my mom’s father found a few interesting things underlined in my dad’s father’s bible once and asked him about it, and Richard my father got offensive and my mom’s parents took off.  That happened when I was little, so I don’t remember much and can only say what my mom said. During a previous conversation my mom and I had with him on our way home from a wedding, we ended up discussing these topics.  If someone makes no decision one way or another do they really reject Christ?  Of  course, but my dad does not seem to understand this.  God made man 4 pleasure or enjoyment-but does he need it? My parents met at a ski club event when my mom was in charge of planning events. When my dad first asked her out she asked him how many people thinking he was planning something, but then they went on a date instead. That is all I know about how they met.

        • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

          Hi Sarah,

          I understand what you mean about people enjoying and appreciating someone’s actions rather than the individual themselves, I have seen that people generally don’t fall in love, they just enjoy the way someone makes them feel

          I grew up with a terrible father, and after having come out from a mountain of emotional baggage, I can’t say enough positive things about getting a solid, trust-worthy Christian counselor

          The things that our emotional wounds affect are farther reaching than we typically understand or recognize, and often many types of negative and destructive ways of thinking are embedded so deep within us they seem normal because they are so common

          Regarding your father, he sounds like an individual who experienced some hardships in life that left him in a place where it is not comfortable making an emotional commitment or feel vulnerable

          If someone doesn’t accept Jesus, regardless of whatever intelligent sounding rationalizations or collections of maybes they wrap around their logic, then yes, they are rejecting him

          Think about it like this: if you saw someone dying on the side of the road but kept driving while you thought about whether you wanted to stop and help, does that person’s health improve or decline while you are making your mind up?

          Of course, someone could turn to God at any time, but they have to understand that willing in-action equates to rejection as the end result is the same, ie: not accepting Jesus for reasons that aren’t ignorant, they are based on thought out, formulated points of view

          In even simpler terms, someone who hears the message of the gospel but willingly does not accept Jesus, rejects him, we can’t sugar coat that

          Regarding the purpose of God creating mankind, that is an interesting topic, but I don’t think he “needs” us in the way that people would often think of people “needing” one another

          God enjoys our friendship, but in the time of Noah, it says that God was grieved he created us

          That is a really strong statement as he literally regretted creating mankind

          Yikes!

          God created us for many reasons, and we have to remember that we weren’t the first of his works, we were the among the last, and we were given both a role of companionship, and are integral to show the depth of God’s love and majesty through the work of salvation through Jesus, something that to the angels who had fallen, and to all creation, was a total mystery that they couldn’t understand

          1 Peter 1:10-12
          Concerning this salvation, the prophets, who spoke of the grace that was to come to you, searched intently and with the greatest care, 11 trying to find out the time and circumstances to which the Spirit of Christ in them was pointing when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the glories that would follow. 12 It was revealed to them that they were not serving themselves but you, when they spoke of the things that have now been told you by those who have preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven. Even angels long to look into these things

          God loves us tremendously, and we are valuable to him, but so is everything he created, and we don’t play some weird role of being “pleasure” for God

          What is your dad’s name, I would like to include the both of you in my prayers!

  • http://twitter.com/SavvySingleXtn SavvySingleChristian

    The other extreme is that they are so afraid of “dating” and all of its “evils” that they don’t ever ask anyone out at all.  I’m not sure which is worse.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hello,

      If there are good Christian candidates around, I would definitely encourage people to have fun and, at the very least, get to know more people as one does not have to officially “date” someone to decide whether they like them or not

  • :]luv<3

    im 16 and somewhat in a relationship and have been for about 5 months but im not allowed to technically “date” bc my step-dad has a rule that i cant till im 18. my mom knows about my “unofficial” bf but she wont talk to my dad and suggests to me that i dont either until i can think of a good and legitamit reason for him to change that rule. well my goal isnt for him to let me date and call him my boyfriend, my goal is to get him to be fine with me going places with him and for him to know that he’ll be around forever(hopefully;]) my dad knows him (only as a good friend) but ive brought him to youth at my church sometimes so thats how he knows him. ive never dated bc that was going against my parents rule and i never let myself get that close to a guy “crush” bc i knew that he wasnt the one God intended for me to be with. but i think differently of this guy so thats y im makeing the attempts to talk to my dad about him. my dad made that rule bc he says that having a bf will distract me from school and from my future bc he might not like something i plan for my future n i might change for him to continue to want to be with me. but he doesnt effect me in that way.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Christina,

      It sounds like you really care for this person, and I know it is tough to live under rules that we don’t understand, though I am curious by what you mean by “somewhat in a relationship”

      When it comes to convincing people, we rarely win people over because we explore the upper range of our ability to pick fights and cause a fuss

      The easiest way to win someone over is to let them think that your desire is really their own

      For example, if this person is around you a lot, and they get to know your family, eventually your step-dad may not need you to convince him to allow you to date or spend time together–this may just happen organically

      Unless of course the person doesn’t leave a positive impression, or your step-dad just has a closed mind, then it may be more difficult

      If you feel up for it, and maybe you have done it already, would you consider asking your step-dad how he came to the conclusion that it was possible you would lose your ambitions or focus because you have a boy in your life–did he have a similar experience growing up or did he see this in someone else’s life?

      Aside from these things, one important point is that you always want to know it is safe to share your emotions, thoughts, and feelings with your family, and never feel like speaking openly, but not in a rebellious or confrontation way, is going to get you in trouble

      Since you are sixteen, it is a good age to interact with your parents like an adult, showing that you can be reasonable, and show that you are eager to talk things through rather than blatantly disobey

      I am not a parent, but I can’t image it is fun for a parent to constantly police their children because they continually disobey

  • Ginny

    Okay,
    What i think is a little diffrent from the article.
    Shouldnt we date non-christian people to help them become christians? Wouldnt it help more people? I mean you could be a good influence on them!!!

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Ginny,

      Yes, you can totally date non-Christians, and even marry them, no one is stopping you

      But…

      You would be acting in a way that contradicts the Bible’s teachings, take this verse for example:

      2 Corinthians 6:14-18
      Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:

      “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”

      Therefore,“Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you

      The truth is, I have dated a lot of non-Christian people, and throughout that time, I learned that the most important thing about dating Christians is that you can share your relationship with God in a way that is fulfilling and can help you both grow in ways that are difficult to imagine

      Look at it like this, even if you decided to disobey the Bible and date a non-Christian, there is no guarantee that they will become a Christian, and you will be slowing down your own walk with God as they have no mind to please him

      Even outside of Christianity, one of the most common things people go into relationships thinking is “I can change them!”, which leads to a vast amount of problems both in the short and long-term

      Are you in a situation now where you are dating, or seeking to date, someone that is not a Christian?

  • Casey

    I’m dating a non-Christian now (I’m 17) but it’s kind of a complicated situation…We were just friends, and after a few months he found out that I didn’t want to date non-Christians, so he started going to church with me (I still had no idea that he wanted to date me). He read the Bible and books about Christianity and talked to a lot of people who are rooted in Christ, but it did nothing for him. At this point, we’d been friends for a long time, and I’d fallen in love with him. I spent countless nights after spending time with him crying out to God and asking why I couldn’t be with this boy who was so perfect for me. I feel completely comfortable around him, and he really is a moral, upstanding guy, who believes in being honest, loyal, generous, and kind, and thinks that love is one of the greatest things in life. Finally, he told me he was in love with me, and I said the same…we talked to a religious mentor of mine, who already could tell we were in love before we told each other, and she pointed out that emotionally, we were already dating. She condoned it on the condition that he would continue to seek information about God. It’s been about four months, and I’m SO happy with this boy. We can just sit and talk for hours, and like all the same things. Our only real difference is that he doesn’t have God in his life. He’s stopped going to church, because it only upsets him and adds tension to our relationship. I still feel very close to God, and my boyfriend has always respected my beliefs (including my beliefs about purity). He’s accepted that he couldn’t ever marry me but just wants to be with me as long as possible. So many times when I’ve seen arguments against dating non-Christians, it is about how the non-Christian tries to turn you away from God, how they only want sex, and how damaging it is to be in a relationship with someone who is abusive, immoral, etc. But I’m really having a hard time understanding why I can’t date an atheist who completely respects my beliefs and doesn’t speak against them or try to pull me away from God, doesn’t ever pressure me for sex and promises he never will, and holds himself to high moral standards. The attachment I feel for him goes beyond any physical attraction, simple romance, or infatuation (I have experienced these and I am confident that I can tell the difference). Often adults say that a teenager can’t understand what love really is, or it’s just hormonal. But please, just assume for the sake of this discussion that it is absolutely clear that we truly love each other. Besides what’s in God’s word about being “yoked” to people without Him, what logical reasons are there that this is a bad relationship?

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Cassie,Thank you for writing, this is a great question and I am grateful that you would be open to discuss something so personalRegarding the relationship, it is simply not possible to tell anyone in love that they don’t feel what they feel, there is no denying the emotional bonds that exist between two people, regardless of whether they are Christian or notMy advice is that, after having had a number of very passionate relationships with non-Christians both as a youth and young adult, and also pushing aside the idea of “moral corruption”, pre-martial sex, etc… I can look back on all those relationships and see a very basic but similar pattern:They did not help me get closer to GodAs a youth, and not to say you don’t take your relationship with God seriously, I never thought twice if someone was Christian or not because it really didn’t matter to meWhen I felt the unmistakable electricity of attraction, I didn’t think twice and at the time no one could convince me that any of those relationships were a bad idea, even when my friends and family warned me about potential hazardsAs you can imagine, those all ended really, really wellAs a young adult, I cared more about what people believed, but I never turned away from anyone because of their spiritual identity, and I dated people who were agnostic, atheists, ex-Christians, fringe Christians, etc…All of those relationships made me happy for a time, and I genuinely felt something for each of them to various levels, but the reality was, I had absolutely no idea what it meant to be in love with a Christian who loved GodHaving met my wife Amy, and having come through a number of years dedicated to personal growth, I can say that nothing in those relationships made me happier or stronger than the past year of my life spent with Amy in a Christian relationshipIt is true that Christianity does not have a monopoly on good morals, though some might argue it has a monopoly on hypocrisy but that is a whole other topic, but what Christianity offers that no one and nothing else does is a personal relationship with GodAs I matured as a believer in my young adult life, and I mean this with no sense of condescension or self-righteousness, I understood that my relationship with God was about more than following or bending rules, it was about having a love affair with God that I was more passionate about than anything elseWhen I realized this, my standards for women changed completely, and I turned down a number of people that I was attracted to, one that I was even in a very serious relationship with at the timeOnce I crossed this bridge I never looked back, and God gave me the woman he had set aside for me from before I was bornI can say that no one will ever take away your feelings, there is no denying them, but when we offer up to God everything in our lives, he has a way of giving things back in ways that we could have never dreamed ofWith all of this said, at some point despite the reality of your feelings, you need to be honest with yourself as a Christian and ask why you feel it is okay to be in a relationship with someone when it is a direct contradiction of the Bible’s teachingsThere is no condemnation on this point, but it is an important question to dwell on, as the Bible isn’t known for giving trite or pointless adviceMark 10:17-22As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”“Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.We become the very image of hypocrisy when we pick and choose what we like and don’t like from the Bible, which can lead us to a place of lukewarm ChristianityTo summarize, the relationships I had with non-Christians were a mix of things I knew were wrong and things that I felt were good, but in the end, they were nothing in comparison to what it feels like to dwell in God’s presence with Amy

  • Jasmine

    I’m in total shock as of right now. I feel like God has led me to this blog AND to this article because it speaks directly to my current situation. And what even spoke even louder was this user’s ‘Casey’s’ situation because it nearly matched mine. 

    I’m 16 and I was infatuated with one of my bestfriends. He was attentive, understood me mentally, emotionally, intellectually, and within meeting each other we felt that we’ve known each other for longer amounts of years because of our immediate connection. Even though he wasn’t a seriously devoted Christian, I still liked him because of all his OTHER qualities. 
    His understanding, patience, kindness etc…

    I never got that from the Christians guys who actually did like me. So the fact that I was getting what I thought I deserved even though he didn’t truly love or come to know God seemed ‘okay’ with me at the time. 
    He knew how devoted I was, but through all my evangelism, gospel sharing, excitement for God, and sharing my part and failures and how God helped me through it didn’t seem enough. So at some point I left it alone feeling like he’s heard enough and that me saying anything else won’t make a difference. I still seriously wished he would re-commit and then it all come to a happy ending but my conscience and this article made me realize that it most likely won’t. I actually became one of those ‘sucker-punched’ young Christians and gotten intimate with him. (It was just kissing well…passionately) but it still made me feel guilty about my actions because ‘holy and honorable unto God’ wasn’t what came to mind when I’d reminiscence on our kissing fiasco. I kept lying to myself indulging in all his sweet words and sweet moments. At times I’d get frustrated because we’d have dirty conversations, that didn’t make me fee like I wasn’t representing Christ the way I should have been. It’d be this cycle of happiness and guilt, but somehow I thought it’d work out, but then I realized during all this, he was actually pulling me away from God and not pulling me closer. (And i WANT to be closer) So after reading this article I called him and pretty much ended whatever it was we had, it was hard and ended on a bitter note, but I believe this is the right thing to do. Even though I believe the way we feel is intense (whether infatuation or love or just physical attraction) I just don’t think it should continue. and like you said, I’ve never been in a relationship where I’m in love with someone who’s in love with God. And I just truly want to thank God for Casey and you Nathan for your answer because I feel like it helped me into the right choice. Please pray for me to be strong. I am leaving one of my really good friends into the pursuit of something that I feel God will bless me for. 

    So thank you and God Bless! 

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Jasmine,

      Wow, that is so incredible, I am glad God brought you here, that is a blessing for both of us

      Your message is so honest, and I know that this is easily one of the most difficult types of things I have ever faced in life, as when we feel attracted to people, it is a very hard thing to let go of for any reason, but God is faithful and will look upon it as an act of righteousness, because when we believe what God is instructing us (not date non-Christian people), he rewards us for it!

      James 2:23
      And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend

      Praise God for your immediate action Jasmine, you are awesome!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Valerie-Avalos/100002548838049 Valerie Avalos

      Girl i went through something similar, very hard to let go, but i did, and God has been so faithfull to me, I’m sure God will bless me with a man that will bring me closer to him and treasure me, and I’m sure God will be faithfull to you to ;) k) Jesus Loves you <3

  • Bethany

    I wish I would have read this 6 years ago.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Bethany,

      Uh oh, it sounds like you had a bad experience, would you be open to sharing?

      • Marsha

        Hi Nathan. I’m in the process of writing about my experiences of dating men who were not christians. When I’m finished getting it all together I will contact you. I’d like to share it with others to show them the kind of damage a person can do to themselves by being yoked together with unbelievers.

        Thanks.

        • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

          Hi Marsha,

          Wow, that sounds amazing, it would be great to hear about that, and I am very honored you would share it!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1259686458 Melissa Dumas Diegan

         Bethany this is a very important message to be shared. I cannot tell you the heart ache I feel because although I married a really good person, I know that if he doesn’t stop living for the devil I will see him go to hell when he dies. And I have so many things that I could be doing for the Lord in Ministry but my marriage holds me back. Please get the courage to write. Written in Love, Melissa

  • Gavin Richardson

    Thanks for the article. I would have considered dating a non-Christian, but your article made me reconsider. :)

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Gavin,

      That is so uplifting to hear, I am proud of you, and I pray that God brings you to a relationship with someone who loves and adores him!

  • Anonymous

    I am a Christian guy and am going through a lot of emotional pain – like you said in your article, I loved a girl because I was there for her when she was hurting. I fell in love and she abandoned me when she was all better – it’s been four years and I still love this girl. I feel so much hurt because I can’t let go of her and stop thinking of her. Could the author of this article please contact me? I would really appreciate it. Thanks & God bless you.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hello,

      I am happy to speak with you, is your email address the same as the one you signed up with?

      • Anonymous

        Nathan, thanks a lot for your reply. I just now checked and saw it! Yes

        • Anonymous

          Looks like it cut off but yeah, email me at the address which I used to post here :) Thanks so much for all your help, I really appreciate it cuz I am really down :(

  • Jasmine

    Hey uhm its me again, I need a personal talk with you too Nathan,  I need someone to talk to. 

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Jasmine,

      Sure, let’s be Facebook friends, can you post up on the Fan Page and say hi?

  • Theodoric Nowak

    true not only for Christians dating non-Christians, but also Christians dating lukewarm Christians… 

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Theodoric,

      So true!

      If you liked that article, check this one out too:

      http://www.godandstuff.com/?p=886

      It covers that very topic!

  • Anonymous

    Nathan, you still haven’t emailed me yet. Would you prefer to communicate over Facebook instead? I would love to talk to you about a situation which has caused me to feel pretty sad for the last few years :(

  • Jess

    I fully disagree with this article I am with a guy is is a non-christian and i am a christian. We are great together, we are even engaged. All of the christians I have been with have been abusive in many different ways. I love my fiance and he loves me, he don’t do anything to hurt me in any way and we get along we don’t fight. So i think dating a non-christian is better because of this fact.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Jess,

      You are not disagreeing with the article, you are disagreeing with God as the Bible is very clear on the topic

      2 Corinthians 6:14
      Do not be yoked together with unbelievers

      It is unfortunate when people have bad experiences dating Christians, but that does not mean we are above God’s instruction as a result–should we walk away from God because some Christians do not walk according to his example?

      Nobody can argue that you are happy, but our spouses should bring us closer to God, not just be the least abusive opportunity we have–Christian or non-Christians alike

      For more information on this, check out this article: http://www.godandstuff.com/?p=886

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/James-Armato/1058781841 James Armato

      Jess, you say that the Christians you were with were abvusive in many ways. The thing is, you were not with Christians who abused you. You were with abusive people who called themselves Christians, but were really not. There’s a difference! No man who has a right relationship with the Lord is going to be abusive to a woman. This is Satan’s way of getting you to be with men who do not follow Jesus. Satan knows that God calls the husband to be the spiritula leader of the household. This is why he works so hard to get Christian women to marry unsaved men. It is one of many ways he tries to destroy the family, and he is using Christian women to do it through this method. Youa re not the first Christian woman he has tried this on, and you won’t be the last. Satan has used this trick on so many Christian women, and you are clearly one who has fallen for it. Things may be so nice with your fiance now, but once you do marry this unsaved man, I guarantee you that things will change for the worst. If you doubt me, ask any woman who has done what you’re doing. Once you do marry him, his true self will emerge, and you will be sorry. Also, someday you may have children of your own, and I am sure you will teach them to obey God in all things. Now when they learn from their Sunday School teachers that God says we should not be unequally yoked, and then they ask you why you married Daddy, even though he rejects Jesus, how will you justify your own disbedience of God’s Word to them? Your children will learn from you that if Mommy can disobey God in order to get what she wants, then so can we. Is that what you want? Do you love this man so much that you are willing to sacrifice the spiritual well-being of your future children–not to mention your own spiritual well-being? As the saying goes, “He (or she) who has an unbeliever for a mate has the Devil for a father-in-law.” If you choose to marry this man;thereby, deliberately disobeying God’s Word, then you will have made him more than just your husband–you will have made him your own “30 pieces of silver.”

  • http://www.truevined.com Bezalel

    Awesome article. God bless you guys (or gals).
    A very much needed article and a blessing…. plus I love that you respond to the comments. Keep up the good work. The harvest is plenty; glad to see another labourer for the Kingdom.

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Bezalel,

      It is very nice to meet you

      I am glad you enjoyed the article, it is a topic that a lot of people face–both young and old

      My intent with the site is to engage with everyone and have conversations as much as possible, even if we disagree, the discussions spark growth!

  • Bryn

    I’m going through a similar thing at the moment. I’ve only been a christian for 4 years, coming into the kingdom from a wreckless burnt out life of drugs and all the problems associated with that kind of existence. God is good, i’ve had the most wonderful time getting to know my papa, but apart from God my existence is pretty lonely and I desperately crave human intimacy. I’ve been single for 4.5 years, God saving me from the brink of destruction following a horrific relationship, I kinda thought dating would be simpler as a christian with christian women but my experience thus far with christ filled believers has been as bad as every other dating experience as an unbeliever.
     
    So I’ve met a girl at work, called Grace of all things!! She has no interest in Jesus inspite of my incessant talking about him and even a few Holy Spirit encounters along the way. But loneliness has been getting the better of me and what started out as a little bit of flirting has escalated to passionate kissing and is to the point where I’m starting to fall for her. :(
     
    The thing is I know that spirtually there is no connection and what would life be like with somebody that you couldn’t bask in his glorious presence with. There just seems to be so few christian women to date locally and I’m not one for the dating websites, they seem to mess me up more than the non-christians.
     
    It’s weird, I thought that dating christian women would be really easy, I mean we both love Jesus right? But alas, that’s not enough. So you meet somebody you really gel with, but they’re not a christian, you meet a christian that loves Jesus but you don’t gel…It looks so hopelessly impossible to me at the moment. :(
     
    Frustrated because she ticks all the right boxes except the only one that really matters!
     
     

    • http://www.godandstuff.com Nathan

      Hi Bryn,

      You said yourself that the only criteria not being met is the most important one, there really is nothing else to discuss on the matter

      Even though it is an appealing draw when we find someone that is “close”, we cannot openly chase a life of disobedience for the sake of whatever a relationship has to offer–our will is not above God’s

      Also, regarding the more passionate side of the relationship, be careful about this, as physical interactions often cloud things in ways that can be both distracting, and destructive

      Depending on the nature of the interactions, they can also be a poor witness to someone as well as they often involve us relaxing our standards of conduct for the sake of chasing something sensual

      Philippians 1:27
      Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ

      Have you told this person about your challenges about being in a relationship with them despite them not being a Christian

  • http://www.facebook.com/leah.eve1 Leah Eve

    This is such a great article. I was in a relationship that was not God-centered. The Bible is so true when it talks about sin as a temporary pleasure. People like the feeling of being validated coz it “sort of” satisfies our longing for love. But every human being has a vacuum in our heart that only God can fill in. No man can give a good amount of validation that can lead us to satisfaction. We all go thru bad relationships, and fall into wrong relationships that can leave us wounded and scarred. The truth is that God heals the wound of our past, though some wounds may elave scars, it gives us a reminder how we are healed by Him…Great article!!!!!