At times when I feel particularly low, unhappy, depressed, weak, lonely, afraid, scared, or whatever, I occasionally find that I am drawn to distractions or negative vices as a way of coping or escaping my feelings, thoughts, or emotions for a short time.
As I have continued my journey of self-improvement and grown closer to God, I have come to see that I do not gravitate towards these things as much as I had in the past, andI really need to be in a particularly low place to feel inclined to reach for them.
I have managed to stay away from certain vices for a long time, but, ocassionally, I find myself inclined.
The key to understanding, and avoiding, these potential lapses into old behavior is to be able to recognize when I am in a bad emotional or physical place.
Sometimes I find that I am depressed or really worn down and I don’t even know it, or maybe I am really anxious or worried about something but it is not consciously on my mind because I am so busy all the time.
I had a lapse today, something I am not proud of, but it humbled me by showing that I didn’t reach out to God for help when I was feeling the lowest.
The things I do when I lapse would hurt and disappoint those around me, and I feel awful that I repay a lifetime of God’s kindness with willing choices to deny his love in my actions.
I know God forgives, and I already feel that weight of sin lifted after I asked for forgiveness and sang a song to Him, but that is no excuse and it doesn’t make it okay.
After years of trying to love myself and those around me, I know that my relationship with myself and God is the one that I need to work out as that is the only one that will make every other relationship in my life better.