This week together with Amy was amazing, and even though she just left to go back to the US, I am not sad.
After some very close calls, and some unnecessary self-torture by “almost” giving in, our chastity vow is still intact and we are very proud of ourselves.
The Subtle Tendrils of Insecurity
Last night I had a very weird dream, or rather, this morning as I slept my daily two hours.
I dreamt that Amy was cheating on me.
The odd thing, is that it isn’t the first time I have dreamt something like this.
Let me give these dreams some context.
When I saw Amy on our first date, by reflex, my uncontrollable reaction was a soft *gasp*
It was hilarious as I have never in my life reacted to anything with such a level of dumbstruck enthusiasm and wonder that I was left speechless.
My mind and body were so blown away by Amy’s gorgeous eyes and appearance that all they could muster in response was to suck in more air as it tried to comprehend what it was taking in.
“…duhhh”
Even though I collected my wits quickly, I was still completely disarmed and spent the duration of our date looking at her in total bliss.
However, when I went home and was thinking about her, a voice in my head said:
“She will cheat on you”
I took this to heart as I felt that, despite my overwhelming attraction, Amy was emotionally and spiritually immature and did not have a strong character due to an insecurity driven personality.
Quite an assessment, but that isn’t all!
On our first date, Amy asked if I was analyzing her, so I plainly stated she was one of the sweetest people I had met in a long time, but I could see that she had a depth of emotion and potential that she had never tapped into.
I am sure this was a surprise as Amy didn’t know what to say afterwards, but she didn’t take it in a negative way, she just laughed with a good natured smile and we kept talking.
Dreams Reflect Our Innermost Thoughts
In all fairness, there was a legitimate reason why I was worried that Amy would cheat on me, but it wasn’t completely due to the reasons that I had originally thought.
As I have grown closer to Amy and learned more about myself, I recognize that I am extremely afraid of being hurt.
Deep down, I know that this has always been true, but, regardless of the context, I have never been in a position where I was vulnerable enough to actually get hurt in the first place.
Amy is the only person I have ever really loved, and given my troubled past which has been filled with betrayal, dishonesty, and devastating heartbreak, I never learned what it meant to let my guard down enough to love or, more importantly, be loved.
While continuing through this beautiful experience, our relationship has been filled with lessons of trust building that have brought us together in ways that I could never have comprehended before.
As I have given the dreams more thought, I know that they are not rooted completely in my observations about Amy’s character development, but also in my fear that the person that I trust and love the most in the world could turn on me–just like my father did when I was growing up.
During my growth process, spurned on of course by chastity, the part of my mind that is afraid to be hurt is actively trying to bubble up the emotional and behavioral patterns it has held on to for so long as I am serious about wanting to change.
Not having sex with Amy has brought me to a place where I am recklessly exploring vulnerability because we are growing closer and closer by the day, which is leading to vulnerability and openness that I never thought possible.
I could not imagine a safer environment to learn to trust than in a relationship with Amy, she is the sweetest, most gentle person I have ever met.
Working on becoming vulnerable is incredibly freeing, with each step forward being driven by courage and rewarded with emotional ecstasy!
Some Pain Is Okay
Despite my burning loins and almost blinding desire for gratification, I know that, through our chastity vow, I am learning to let go of long-standing, very deep rooted emotional issues that I developed as a child due to very poor treatment by my father.
As much as I have become a wise, intelligent, and loving person, I have never allowed anyone to love me, and even struggle to accept my mom’s sometimes.
But, with Amy, things are different, as I know that God is challenging me in a way that I have never challenged myself with before, and I am grateful for the three rewards I see in the process:
- Getting emotionally healthy and overcoming this last stumbling block
- Growing closer to Amy so that our marriage can be even more amazing
- But most importantly, shedding the remnants of my fear to be vulnerable, allowing me to trust God with total fearlessness in all things
I am so happy that God loves me so much to provide such a reward for seeking personal betterment!
Thank you God, you are awesome!
So, with God’s help and the proper perspective, I chose to not be bothered by my dreams and explored them for what they were: my mind unraveling the bonds of years of pain, in the form of trying to scare itself to see if I was strong enough to really let my guard down.
I passed.
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