Personal Blog

I can admit I am afraid to trust God with every area of my life, and I know why

After having been mugged and rendered incapacitated for the last month, I have had a lot of time to think about life in general. In particular, I have focused on areas I want to improve in myself, and I have come to the understand that, despite a lot of progress, I am struggling to trust God with every area my life

In nintey-five percent of my Christian walk, I will, without a second thought, act in accordance with God’s love and mercy, but there are still some things I hold out on him over

For example, I am almost three months behind in getting paid, so I reduced my tithing and feel awful about it

(Uh, as I was writing this I just got paid–God is hilarious! I reset my tithes back to what they were before, so that issue is resolved!)

Other than money, I started looking back on other areas of my life that I have held onto tightly, and reflected that holding onto anything in this world over God usually meant I was using it as a source of strength, identity, reassurance or security

For example, in my last article I talked about how my desire to be in a relationship was the focal point of my life, while at the same time I was holding onto various destructive vices that caused me, and a lot of others, a great deal of harm

As part of my healing process in the past, I can honestly look at myself and admit there were behaviors, and attitudes, I had a lot of difficulty letting go of as I had used them as crutches to get me through life, rather than turn to God in faith, seeking him for strength and healing

For example:

  • When I had money issues because I lived outside my means, I would continue to spend money on ridiculous things even when I hit rock bottom financially
  • When I felt rejected or alone, I would get drunk or high and turn into a video game or movie vegetable for days on end without even answering my phone
  • I often turned to things like porn, flirting or negative relationships for reassurance when I felt sad or depressed
  • Whenever someone made me feel upset, uncared for, betrayed, etc…, I would play scenarios in my head over and over where I said mean things back to them, dwelling in bitterness
  • Instead of working hard at my job, or resolving conflicts, when people made me upset and were unreasonable, I fiddled around and wasted time talking to co-workers, listening to music, playing games on the internet, etc… as if I suddenly had a right to do so because of how I was being treated

The important thing I learned in overcoming these things and letting them go as coping mechanisms, is that they were not the root of the issues I had, they were just the symptoms, and the enemy had me so caught up in the repetitive cycle of:

  1. Clean conscience and strength
  2. Weakness
  3. Temptation
  4. Sin
  5. Guilt
  6. Seek forgiveness
  7. Clean conscience and strength
  8. Weakness
  9. Temptation
  10. Etc…

It took me years to overcome some of my destructive tendencies, and not just because I was stubborn and refused to trust God , but because I did not understand they were just symptoms of larger emotional issues that I had not dealt with from my childhood

I mean really, nobody woke up one day and developed a sudden drug addiction out of the blue, just like nobody woke up and said “I want to be in an abusive relationship and stay in it so long I get even more damaged than I was before!”

However, that was the way I was looking at my issues, as if they were standalone problems without deeper causes

The truth is, we often get so caught up in things we lose focus on the fact that many of our problem areas are just symptoms of larger issues, ie: poor upbringings that gave us low self-esteem issues, etc…

I know nobody has experienced this (/eyeroll), but let’s take the area of bad relationships as an example, I kept walking into various negative situations in my early adult life because I saw benefit there, ie: quick, easy validation (quick, unconditional, temporary emotional gratification is often a good sign something is a negative crutch)

At one point, when discussing relationship issues, a friend in my recovery group asked:

“What is with you always dating beautiful women?”

The first thing that popped into my head was completely embarrassing, so of course I had to say it:

“Because it is easier to ignore their emotional problems”


Even though I received temporary validation, which caused me to justify putting up with a lot of negativity, I did not look past the bad relationships to see I had a massive wound from my abusive childhood that had not healed

If someone said they would put up with abuse just for the sake of being able to call someone their girlfriend we would think it is kind of odd, but, for various reasons, I saw it as being perfectly acceptable

The reality was, even though I knew I had a big wound that needed healing, the enemy had me so wrapped up in the symptoms of my issues I was overwhelmed and could not deal with the source

In fact, it got to the point where I was terrified to let go of my crutches because I did not know life any other way

How could I live life without living a highfalutin (a funny word!)  lifestyle, and how could I be without a girlfriend even if the relationship was poison?

These things ate away at me to the point where I became completely empty inside, while important pieces of my personality and identity were wrapped up the crutches I leaned on

And this was not at a time when I was separated from God either

It was a dramatically polarized time in my life that God used to show me how we can have all the appearance of loving and seeking him, even with the best of intentions, but still have issues that are preventing intimacy because deep down we are too scared to let go of our crutches and truly trust him with our lives

That time in my life helped me understand the difficulties others go through with a lot of empathy, but it also showed me that getting out of our ruts is easier than we think

We just need to have the same faith we exercised when we accepted Jesus, turning to him again to say:

“I believe you can heal me and I will lay down my crutches!”

God is not short on healing powers, emotionally, physically or spiritually

The reality is, we call on the very same God who created everything in existence, so it is kind of amusing to think we hold out on trusting him to fix our wounds as if he was incapable or does not want to see us be healed–the enemy would love us to stay at arm’s length with God as our sin, and reluctance, separates us from his healing power!

1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds

Isaiah 59:1-2
Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear

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  • Thank you so much for your honesty.  I’m involved in a very unhealthy relationship right now.  Well.. I guess it ended today. I still have no idea.. I’m blaming myself.. but whatever.. that’s besides the point.

    I’m a Christian and I should know better.  

    I enjoyed reading your blog and will be back to read more.

    God bless you.


    • Hi Kelly,

      Going through a break up almost always feels painful, even when it is the best thing and we know it

      But, in a lot of cases, despite the emotional intensity, we are usually not mourning the loss of the person, we are grieving the loss of what we got out of the relationship

      This is especially true when dating people that are abusive or unhealthy, as at some point we need to look at ourselves and ask:

      “Why was this unhealthy person attracted to me, and why was I attracted to them?”

      I had to ask myself this a lot, way more than I should have ever needed to as I knew better too

      In a lot of ways, I came to understand that being in unhealthy, non-Christian relationships was also a buffer I put between God and I, and during those times I can say I did not want to be close to God more than I wanted validation and a sense of human companionship, even if it was wrapped up in a big ball of sadness and pain

      The enemy sometimes does an amazing job wounding us to the point where we seek out unhealthy relationships, become separated from God, and even get scarred to the point where we are reluctant to trust him to heal, help, and forgive us when we turn to him

      I hope the break up is not too terrible, but it sounds like you feel it was for the best?

  • This is by far, my favorite post. I can relate to this in some ways. I go through that cycle, and it’s unhealthy. I’ve been trying to kick going through that repetitive cycle.

     I actually just posted a comment on Facebook not that long ago, I’m glad that you’re healing up quick.


    • Hi Ashley,

      It is great to see you again!

      This was a very personal post, so I am glad you enjoyed it so much

      By the way, I really like reading your blog, keep up the good work!

      You are in our prayers as a beloved child of God–stay strong no matter what happens around you!

      • Thank you for reading! Thank you for praying also, I truely appreciate it.

        I’m looking forward to some amazing posts in the future. I’m glad that we all get to read about your journey, and how you put God first.


  • Great article. The impersonal quotes are good but nothing touches people like hearing people’s testimonies and just o know what things others are dealing with especially if it is someone whom you may feel is more righteous than you. Thanks for sharing.

    I find that the more I share my story and get out my pains and issues the closer I get to God. It is like cleaning out the garage. when everything is all over the place and you are living in that mess it weighs on you but once you throw some things away, give away others and clean and organize the rest you feel great. With the help of God I have cleaned up and continue to clean and organize my life. I tried for so long to do it without Him but all I ever found was emptiness even when I had everything else I ever wanted.

    Phil 4:13

    • Hi Isidro,

      Definitely, our testimonies are God’s glory, there is no point in hiding them!

      When sharing with people, I like to laugh at my own silliness when I look back on the things I did, or the ways I thought, as they seem so distant, but they also are things that held me in captivity. Sharing is the best way to break down walls, and give hope to others as well

      Thank you for saying hi!

  • A Facebook friend posted this, I thank God she did. I struggle with letting go and letting God. I become very afraid if not it the drives sit..a lot of past..abusive parents..abusive husbands..drugs and alcohol (19 years clean and sober day at a time)..death of two children..lose of health. It because a daily battle..this has been a blessing that people in ministry also struggle and now how “we” feel!  Thanks so much for sharing!

    • Hi Gail,

      It is very nice to meet you, I am so glad you said hi!

      The things you have gone through are exceptional, and our shared struggles and challenges are so important to share so we have hope, and also see we are all human, no matter who we are!

      Like you said, it is not very often that we hear people in leadership roles, ministries, etc… who share their past, and current struggles, which is really too bad

      Also, I am going to write my testimony this weekend, I hope you come back to read it!

  • In prayer with God this morning, I asked him why don’t I accept His gifts? He said, “because you think you don’t deserve them.” “But it’s not about deserving, it’s about My will.”
    So if I look at it as obeying Him rather than whether I think I deserve them or not, I may find myself open to receiving them. Praise His Glory!

    • Hi Tracey,

      That is really amazing, God is so good at shifting our perspectives to see things his way, it makes me laugh sometimes it is so ironic as we are often close to the truth but not quite there, and we have those “Oooh!” moments

      Isn’t it incredible how God takes the time to speak to us in such personal ways–he loves us tremendously!

    •  Love this. Sometimes I feel the same way, but let me show you how God showed me differently: I commented one night on a FB post about how I too feel unworthy sometimes to approach God in prayer, like, if I’ve stumbled a LOT that day I just won’t pray at all because I feel certain He won’t listen because I failed so badly. Just after I posted that, I decided to check my mail one last time before I went to bed, and in my inbox was a daily e-devotion that was titled, “For Those Who Feel Unworthy to Come Before God in Prayer”…

  • I really like that you discuss real life struggles and battles. From my upbringing, I long had the perception that once a person gave their life to God all their emotional/personal issues were supposed to be resolved automatically. As I entered young-adulthood, I knew God saved me and yet I kept having struggles (feelings of insecurity, worthlessness, inability, etc, etc.) and it seemed like I was the only one. I started leaning on friendships, work, activities, and even ministries to make me feel “okay.” But praise God, he wanted more from me and didn’t want to leave me in that state. I’m amazed at how he’s started working on areas in my heart that I didn’t even know were an issue. It’s like one thing will be resolved and a few weeks later something else comes up. Through the whole process, I see God chipping away the rough edges and removing emotional baggage to bring me into a closer relationship with him. I’m still dealing with things, but through it all, God has increased my faith and my reliance on him. It’s what he wanted the whole time. He’s kind of amazing like that… so i said all that to say I think it’s important to discuss our struggles. Satan will tell people that they are alone and that no one else has these problems. But like I heard a preacher once say, giving your heart to God doesn’t mean all your problems are automatically solved, but it does mean you have a relationship with the ultimate problem-solver. God will work things out in his time. Once again, thank you for the honesty. much appreciated.

    • Hi Cassiandra,

      Sharing where I have been is God’s glory, as, with his help, I came out from some really dark places, emotionally, spiritually, and physically

      It is beyond amazing to watch God work, though it takes a lot of trust, and outright faith, to surrender ourselves not only to his will, but his healing as well, which the enemy tries to get in the way of by hurting us and providing all sorts of worldly distractions

      I am very happy to hear about your growth, thank you for sharing!

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